Vertigo

I started feeling dizzy last Thursday. Probably a bit longer but I remember telling it to a friend and she immediately accused me being pregnant again. Wow I do not think I would survive that…No way. One toddler at one time is more than enough.

I was pretty sure that I just sat in bad position for long hours during work and this whole dizziness was coming from my neck. I actually had some neck issues.

I went for yoga on Monday hoping it would help but the neck ache went the dizziness stayed.

Tuesday I was still dizzying lightly so hoping that my mum was right i got a nice flat white in the nearby market with the aim to raise my blood pressure to cease the dizziness. The cafe was nice and I even had a lovely chat with Mirim the shop owner who even gave me a bunch of hibiscus tea but dizziness stayed.

Then in the afternoon I walked up on Holloway road to Archway to pick up my baby from childminder. I got there too early and my dizziness teamed with some light nausea so I thought I just get a pregnancy test as even another friend said instantly that I must be pregnant when I was complaining about the dizziness (I must note these friends have no kids…)

When I picked up my little one I thought well I just make a nice long walk home she should not sniff in the polluted air on Holloway road and the walk could be good for me too.

Well I was very wrong as by the time we got home I felt horrible. The dizziness got worse and I had horrible nausea, had to run to toilet for a diarrhoea like stuff and I was sweating and cold altering repeatedly. Baby was screaming from hunger so I needed to do something with her but I felt aweful so I just messaged to my man to come home straight. And of course to make it worse my mum was calling me.

When my hubby arrived I was curling on the living room floor trying to feed and entertain baby at the same time. Well at least she was happy. We did not manage to give her a bath but managed to put her to bed and with that I went to bed as well. But everything got worse and everything was moving and spinning continuously. I woke up so many times sweating or feeling cold still having nausea and my vision got horrible. Everything was moving I could not focus my eyes on one point.  Once upon a time I was a health care professional a physiotherapist to be exact so I tried to figure out what was wrong to me. I had this vague memories of nystagmus.  I was pretty sure I had that. I stumbled to the bathroom for toilet then I looked into the mirrior trying to figure out if I had nystagmus but the image in the mirror was moving so fast that I could not decide if my eyes were moving or it was my vision only. I was pretty sure something horrible is happening. At some point one of my hands started tingling and that was the point when I seriously started worrying about having a stroke. Even if I knew that the stroke does not come this slow. That is quicker and I did not have half side symptoms. Still I was trying to figure out what is going on. In the evening I was thinking that I might have vertigo when some crystals are moving in the equilibrium system but then with this whole nystagmus stuff I got very confused. At least i was sure I was not pregnant I felt so horrible I didn’t have to do the test. I could not read up things anymore in my phone as reading made me feel even worse. Probably better this way as I started reading about stroke and that was not helpful. So I was guessing.

I was lying in bed next to my sleeping baby and started visioning my dead relatives. I had a good chat with my brother who passed away 5 years ago then my father appeared who was dead for 17 years. I did not even know how much I missed him! I was just hugging him in my imagination. My grandma floated in as well.

Then I got back to worry. What happens to my little one if I die or if I get paralized to my half side. And I just started holding onto the thought that I must be healthy in the next 50 years. I cannot let her down. I have to be here for her and I have to feel well!

I was so f*cking scared what was happening to me and what would happen to baby? And the ceiling was just moving continously. If I turned in bed I felt like I was on a horrible roller coaster and everything turned up side down. I cant repeat it enough times it was horrible and unbearable not knowing anything or how long was it going to last. I was waiting for the morning to be able to start the day for baby get her to childminder and go and have a medic check on me. Collecting all my energy I took a shower ordered a taxi and was ready to go to hospital. When I arrived to the A&E I felt a little bit better knowing that something will happen however by then both my little fingers were numbing. I was just hoping that they would give me an injection and it would all go away. Luckily it was on a Wednesday morning so almost noone was around no drunk accident survivors and I managed to get in fast. The first nurse checked my vital signs and happily saw that my blood pressure was normal. Based on her questions I started hoping that there was not that big issue with me. She even sent me out to the waiting room again. Then a lovely Hungarian nurse called me for ecg who was also reassuring especially that I could talk about all my fears in my own language. Invaluable! He also sent me out to the waiting room so by then I was almost sure I have nothing major problem. Meanwhile my hubby dropped Joy at the childminder and he appeared with a bit worried face. Then finally a doc called me and he examined me. As I said I was a physiotherapist so I still had some memories about the tests he was performing on me and was sure he was looking for signs for hemiparesis. He was comparing my two sides looking for differences in my strengths or on my face. Based on he kept mumbling ‘very good’ I got more and more optimistic that I was going to stay alive! Then he explained to me that I had vertigo which is caused by some crystals moving out in my labyrinth system in my ear. At that point when he started explaining the anatomy  I just stopped him saying that I was studying anatomy. Is that rude? Anyway I do not like wasting others precious time. He performed a test checking my nystagmus which was still there and more on the left side and gave me a leaflet which explains everything about my diagnosis: benign paroxysmal positional vertigo. Which essentially means I am feeling dizzy when I am moving. Always loved these latin terms 🙂 He also explained that contrary to my hopes he cant give me an injection or an infusion and this thingy will recover spontaneously in a couple of weeks or a month. But I can do an exercise to bring the healing forward. Just need to check it on you tube.

Well I have to say by the time I left the A&E I felt so relived that even my dizziness felt less horrible. I was not in life threatening condition. I would live and can look after my baby! Celebrating my successful resurrection I had a nice breakfast in a cafe then stumbled home and went into bed straight. At least I finally had a bit of rest for a couple of hours when noone wanted anything from me. That’s invaluable these days! Noone started crying when I was sleeping and noone wanted to spend some time with me when I just wanted to rest. Oh god what a gift. I was eagerly doing the exercises and my mood and my dizziness got so much better however did not go away completely.

Today I am back to work again and I managed to work, hover the flat then picking up baby coming back playing  with her in the living room, get her to bed and all these things actually made everything worse again. Everything is moving again and I am walking in a wide straddle like a sailer on the eternal moving ship.

Anyway I know it is not fatal and I know I will recover at some point. Hopefully sooner than later. Thats the most important and my little baby. And with this I try to finish  to prepare the lunch for tomorrow and  get some chill time and stop this spinning world.

Good night!

Real mum life

Time to complain!! Grumpy mummy is back!

 

Oh well she is still the cutest little one. Even the complaining stops for minute when I look at her picture 🙂

 

I am working from home which means I basically don’t talk to anyone for 3 days a week apart from 2 minutes chat with the childminder and babytalk to my little one. And of course some random conversations with my hubby.

Today I got totally restless as I saw on Facebook a friend quit her job and I suspect she is going to do her third big traveling. Since then I’m just thinking what should I do with my life to live it better? However the question is actually this: do I have a life at all?

Day after day I found myself playing duplo in the living room at 6.00 pm with my daughter. I have hardly have any plans to go out and see friends. Well definitely less than I had before.

I always have to be cautious how much I spend on myself with all our expenses. Main pain point is the childcare. We actually have a cheap one. Pay only 60£ per day but we really feel the difference. No lunches out. At least not for me. However my hubby is still going out to have his curry every day at work.

No dinners out as we can’t really leave baby alone at home not sure if dialed the right number if something goes wrong :p… But anyway we couldn’t afford paying a babysitter just for a dinner. So it’s all fine!

We were supposed to see Sigur Rós on Wednesday night but Joy is still very little and I did not feel right to leave her with an unknown babysitter (as her childminder can’t babysit on a weekday). So we sold the tickets lost 20£ in the process but still feels better than sitting in the venue and worrying how is she doing at home plus counting the hours we need to pay for a babysitter.

The other limitation is that my little one is not very happy sitting long hours in the buggy so to avoid frustration from her and my side as well I just simply don’t leave the area. However I had all these big plans to wondering around in London and take pictures of her in funny costumes in random locations. Or just hang out in London when everyone else is working. Yeah I’m not going to town with a f*cking buggy. As often people call my lovely attachment I use to carry baby around. Yeah not everyone likes babies in buggies especially not in the city where everyone is running all the time. I feel totally awkward being there with baby. Also I’m completely used to my lovely silent bubble not very keen on going to loud places anymore.

So I have to shut my other blog about my London fun experiences as I actually have nothing to add there.

No nights out either as I’m afraid Joy would wake up  and miss me but also feels like totally strange going out and being out without my hubby. I am a married wife after all. Why should I shake my ass in some random parties? If I manage to get out and even get relaxed enough to enjoy the night I always get a message which drags me back to my current reality.

I’m a mum and such as a good mum I have just given up on my life. That’s all.

But hey who care when I have new hobbies:

Baking and reading and creating birthday presents for friends who are having parties where I can’t go. Life is full with fun. Oh and don’t forget about the endless hours on the playground which is my new party venue..

My big Escape

As a mummy it is hard to escape from being mummy and running the daily routine but I need it so badly to be able to recharge my batteries and look after our little one continuously.

We were away for holiday and for visiting family for nearly a whole month which meant no yoga for me. I know I know I could have practised by myself but it is not the same. The fact that I go to my yoga teacher’s house and turn off my mobile means that I am actually turning off the whole world and noone and nothing can reach me.

If I practised by myself at home there is a chance that baby wakes up and gets me out of my space. So yes I have to be in a specific space physically to be able to escape mentally.

So this morning I went back to my yoga teacher’s house for a little escape. While my dear hubby took my precious little girl to meet her friends and have some fun on a farm.

My physical state was in a very bad state by then. My back felt like a brick and I was feeling dizzy due to some neck issues (mainly getting old and not doing enough proper exercises). My hips were just simply aching and my sacrum was burning from pain. My whole body felt completely out of its alignment. When I walked it felt like the joints were not in their space and only the ligaments were holding them together but these ligaments were too stiff and not giving enough room for moving properly. Like I was tied up in my body by my own ligaments. I felt  like a machine which was grinding but the work its doing was getting worse and worse due to lack of care. I did not find the balance. My pelvis definitely slid further out on the left side where I mainly had baby sat and carried around and this had an effect on all other body parts. My lower back, my knees, my back, my ankles. Everything really.

So I was there. Doing the exercises, sometimes feeling some pain in my back due to being out of practice for so long, sometimes such struggling to continue. Not because the exercises were difficult but because I am soooo tired that it is mentally tiring to continue doing the exercises. Yes I was very much looking for the final relaxation which I knew was going to be my big escape.

Finally my well deserved resting pose came and was just laying there but could not really turn off. I knew I was looking for the exit but did not find. It was almost in a half dream state, having half conscious thoughts about how desperate I needed to turn off thoughts of my baby and of all things I need to do and worries etc and just simply get away.

Then this thought came: look for the space in between the words. And I saw this page with words on it. Could not read them but then I looked the space in between the words and then next thing was I realised we were coming out relaxation. I do not know where I was in between. I think I managed to escape. You can say I just fell asleep. Fair enough I am often very tired. But I still love to think that I just turned off everything and had a deep relaxation in peace. After each and every yoga session but especially today I feel so much better so much lighter. My body feels aligned again! It feels just wholesome again walking, sitting and doing anything really. I just feel this utter joy in my body. In every joints and bones and in muscles too. My body is really grateful and my mind too for this little break I got today. Feels like a lovely new dawn with its fresh breeze from the sea  on a long holiday.

Resilience

When we were still in Crete (oh god it was only a couple of days ago we returned to London and I started feeling nostalgic already) anyway…so when we were in Crete last week we went to this little beach. Not even a real one as only locals are going there because there is no real seashore there. It is more like a little bay with a concrete pier.

However the water was beautiful like on postcards: turquoise and blue and of course crystal clear. This was the second time we went there and we saw a bit more people than last time and there was this lady I could not stop watching secretly. She might have been somewhere between 60 and death. It was difficult to tell her age. The first thing I noticed her boobs were. As she was laying on her tummy sunbathing and then suddenly turned and covered her breasts with her hands they moved very unnatural and something sticked out: the implants. I have never seen an old lady with breast implants. Then I had a look at her face and it was also very unnatural. Too smooth for other parts of her body. There was not a single wrinkle on her face however her skin on her body looked aged. Then I saw her hair going very thin on the top. She must have looked amazing probably 20-30 years ago as the base of her figure still was shockingly pretty. But she probably was not happy what God could give to her. Or someone else did not like her as she was. Or just did not want to loose that. Anyway. It was very moving that she really wanted to engage with my 15 month old little girl. I tried not staring at her openly. When we finally had a look at her with Joy and our eyes met she started smiling to Joy. I could see she was watching us for a while and was very much waiting for the moment when Joy noticed her and gave her a little attention. She seemed to be very happy from my little girl’s appearance. Next minute I saw the lady wiping her eyes with a tissue very gently. It might have been the wind. Which blew something in her eyes or might have been her, crying. I did not know her story but suddenly felt sorry for her. I am not sure where did she come from and why did she looked like Cruella De Vil but she definitely went emotional seeing us playing together with my daughter.

This image really stuck in my head however I did not dare to take a picture of her. I just felt a huge compassion towards her. Not sure why.  I just felt she really wanted to preserve something which is not resilient at all: her beauty. And the result got so sad. So eternal. Like curving lines into stone. Her beauty left her and what remained instead was rather scary then beautiful.

Why cant we accept our age? Why cant we accept the fact that time makes deep grooves on our face and on other particles too. Beauty is fleeting. No matter what do we do.

I feel absolutely fine at the moment with my age. But I assume it is only temporary. My hubby still loves me, people still think I am younger than my actual age and I have a beautiful daughter who brought all this calmness into my life. I do not feel I should compete with 20 years old fresh beauties nor with 30 years old pretty ladies. I am who I am a 38 years old mum. In love with my child. Being a mum is probably the most demanding task in my whole life but I am still happy to do it. I love stroking her hair and smelling her. I love spending time with her. I love playing with her. I love caring with her. I love comforting her. I love hugging her. I love talking to her. I love being there for her 24 hours even if my hair is slowly going grey because I still cant sleep through a night. My body is aching almost everywhere, I feel dizzy from achy neck and my vision get worse and worse. I do  not mind going old. I just want to live long. For her. I want to see her meeting her big love, getting married (if they want to) or see her being successful in something she loves doing. Or just being there for her when she needs some love because life is cruel and and life does not always treat us well. But as we say what does not kill us makes us stronger. Or more resilient. Older. Or wiser.

Trouble comes when least expected

So we are in Crete. We came here as we were invited by friends to stay with them. They got a bit insecure about their place if that was baby safe enough and started offering us different solutions. We agreed to still stay with them but in last minute we decided to rent a Airbnb for a couple of days to decompress and chill out. This house was about 10 mins drive from the sea but imagine a designer house built by an Austrian artist and architect and so beautiful on the pics that we completely ignored that it wasn’t baby safe. Even the owner advised the house as not safe for kids under 2. The reason why is because it was full with steps. It was a huge house 110 square meters plus a huge garden having a view to the mountains. So impressive. Beautiful colours inside and out.

So we were very careful with Joy. We never left her alone especially around the steps. And she loved the steps. She wanted to climbed on them all the time. 4 nights passed by no issue. We left without any problems.

I also was scared driving at night after landing – but no issue.

I shit in my pants driving up hills and narrow paths. Well we are in Crete which is full with these things. So hello hills and narrow paths. It’s been 6 days I’m driving on you and still alive.

I think I’m slowly turning back to be a good Christian. Especially seeing all this little churches.

Then yesterday we arrived to our friends house. And it looks ok too. Oh well no bathing mat and poor little Joy slipped who I was bathing but she landed on her bum and it was ok.

Today morning we drove to another village where our car rent place is located to deal with the paper work. I found this amazing little chapel built on the sea. There was this narrow (what else..) path leading to it and from the distance it looked easy to walk on. Reality was that the sea splashed on the path and the stones got pretty slippery and I really had to focus to get to the chapel in safe. I did get there and I even had the luxury to spend 2 minutes completely alone inside before other tourists arrived. When I entered the chapel I had this really strange feeling that I’m not alone. I felt like centuries of prayers are with me. Breath of People who already passed away touched me.

Then when I walked back I just had some thoughts about these little Greek chapels which are always built on a places where difficult to get to. And other chapels around the world. So like you could get to God only by defending difficulties.

Anyway I had this lovely experience then we went to the car rent place and I needed to deal with paperwork and my dear husband just stayed outdoor and I also had to hold baby. Baby obviously didn’t want to sit in my lap as a little angel so I had to put her down and also tried to wave to Jody to come in and look after baby. I was holding her hand and then my hubby went around to bring in the buggy and Joy decided to go down those bloody three steps to her dad and my attention got distracted by a board where currency rate were written and she just slipped out of my hand and tripped and flipped and landed on her head her legs were in the sky turned around her neck in a weird somersault and for a minute I thought she broke her neck and gonna die.

Thanks to gods she cried for a couple of minutes got a big bruise on her forehead a I was shivering for hours but she seems to be alright.

Then in the evening she was playing with our host and I literally went out of the room for 30 seconds which was enough for her to fell and bang her head again. It was so horrible she was crying for so long I needed to offer a bit of painkiller breast. The good thing it’s worked and she is absolutely fine but I’m just super terrified that something would happen to her. My little angel.

So soon I think I turn to be a believer. Because there must be a guardian angel who looks after us not to totally f*ck up this parenting thing.