Just a shitty day

Ok. Is there anyone out there who reads this blog? If yes: have you ever felt that everyone literally everyone around you have a better life than you?? Am I really the only one like that?

Maybe I should not take my child to a playground where mums are generally living in a nicer and bigger flat/house and their husband earns more than mine or taller than mine…And maybe I should delete my Instagram account as well where everybody posts only their better thoughts. I stopped checking Facebook so that is out of league thanks god. Also I have a hubby who cant listen to me whining and just keep telling me to stop undermining myself. Oh and that I should appreciate what I have including him. Ok true. But still everyone else seems to have a better life today…

Maybe it just a phase or maybe it is just the full moon. But I just hate how we (human beings) are not equal. And I am selfish enough to think about myself. I have two degrees and work a lot. I got a lot of positive feedback at work but why others with less degrees and years in the age earn more?

Why do I make wrong decisions in the wrong time? What have achieved in this life that should make me proud? Or at least make me feel less miserable.

And when I say the best thing in my life is my daughter why my husband gets offended that I did not add him as best things in my life.

So I just started thinking if I went back in my life and could restart everything…What time point would that be. Would I go back to that guy whom I was dating a couple of times before I met my hubby. According to Instagram he just moved to the beach… I have this dream that one day I would live by the beach where I just open up my window and I cannot see anything else but the big blue sea. And here you go this guy just posted my dream in a video of his new home view on Instagram. I always thought I would move by the sea when I get old. Am I old now? Is this time to move?

Or would I go back in time further to the point when everything was new and prosperous with the Swedish guy and try to make a happy ending of that story?

Or would I go back to my the time when I started dating with my ex-husband. Tell that silly young girl to stop dating with that guy: you just gonna spend your nicest year locked in a relationship for no reason.

Or maybe to the time when I accepted what my mum said that I must have studied physiotherapy instead of becoming a medical doctor or internal designer as I was dreaming?

Probably that would be the wisest…But would I be happier? Would it make me love myself better. And what is worse: would I have my little girl who is really the best thing in my life?

I know its such cliche and just a usual thing to say as a mother but the love I feel for my daughter is incredible. I have never thought I could love someone so much like her. Whatever she does. Really. I do not even mind her crying or arguing with me. I love her every minute of the day and night.

But what should I do to love myself a little bit more and would not feel that I am just a fucking failure?

Hello…help…

Life during pandemic

It is pretty amazing how adaptive we are. It has been nearly a year that we live with COVID-19. We just got used to wear our masks when travelling or going to a shop. We just used to not hugging our friends but keep sanitising our hands and not doing anything. Absolutely nothing.

We just arrived back from Budapest to London and we need to self-isolate for 10 days plus spent a fortune on the mandatory tests. I still do not really understand why do I have to sit at home if I get tested 3 times. 1. three days prior to journey, 2. 2 days post journey 3. 7/8 days post journey. And I can also purchase another test to get tested 5 days post journey and get myself released from self isolation. Well after sending £540 on the mandatory tests I do not wish to spend more just to get released 2 days earlier.

And guess what: someone got tested positive who was on the same flight with us. So public health contacted us that we really have to stay at home till the end of the self-isolation time and cannot even do the test to release scheme. Not liked i planned…

Anyway I am actually pretty relaxed about spending a bit of time at home. We are always running somewhere even during lockdown. So we had a good cleaning session on Saturday, I sorted my tea cupboard on Sunday and made Joy’s curtain sun proof hoping that she would sleep a little longer in the dark room (well … it did not work. She still wakes up at 7:00 which is not that bad but wintertime she sometimes sleeps till 8:00…). We have plans to do a proper deep clean and sorting in the kitchen and in Joy’s room this weekend. So it is all good. And tbh it is nice to spend so much time with my little girl. She is adorable. After spending 6 weeks in Budapest she is now talking really nicely in Hungarian to me. And she can say “szeretlek” (I love you) which is the best thing to hear ever. 😀

So yes I do not mind being in quarantine since nothing really is going on anyway. No shops, no museums, no theatres, no venues, no restaurants, nothing. Not even the grass is growing. The weather is pretty bad too. So who cares? (Well I am saying this till the sun does come out.)

Anyway what I wanted to say is that is very interesting to see how we just get used to this life: not going anywhere, not doing anything, not meeting friends, if travelled then lock into our own house. Tests and masks and hand sanitisiser. Brand new world order.

I am wondering how long…UK is pretty good at vaccinating but will the vaccine help us getting back to normal? When we just hopped on a flight and went from one country to the other eg. visited my mum or just to get away from UK? Or life will never be the same as we knew it before the great pandemic???