Motherhood: service vs creative self-expression

I don’t have time for myself. I don’t feel I exist anymore. All I’m doing is work and ‘mothering’. These are sentences I often echo these days.

I don’t even know who I am. But let’s face it I have never known. So is that new?

I am desperate to leave some kind of mark that I am or I was alive.

That’s not new either.

Looks like not much has changed since my little one popped out to this world. Same old circles. I just did not even have the chance to think about these up till now.

Looks like having a baby is not really solve anything but only postpone things till who knows…

I think I was complaining that I did not have time for anything before Baby as well. But now I really have a good excuse not finding a passion. I don’t have time.

But do I really have no time or it is what it is: a good excuse for my impatience? Impatience which always prevented me from doing anything seriously. I start doing things but then it just get too detailed and I don’t have the patience to finish. I also don’t have the patience to thoroughly plan things. However I really learnt in my job that planning and preparing for an activity is basically more than half success.

So why I’m not taking the time to get enough practice to learn enough and then to enjoy. Have no idea. That is where I’m stuck. Instead of putting more effort I just stop. Like this blog there are so many bloggers who make a living out of blogging simply because they take their time and effort to make their site more popular. I simply say I wrote these posts for my memories. Which is not true. I want to leave mark! I want people to read my blog. I want to make a living out of writing or any other creative activities such as painting or making dresses or taking pictures.

Yes I think in an ideal world those are the things I would like to do. Taking pictures, editing them, adding to my fantastic blog which is all about my fab traveling experience and about the dresses I made or the painting I painted.

But reality is that I just don’t have time…

And I actually realised I want to be my 2 year old daughter. She can do whatever she wants. If she didn’t get she throws a tantrum. Even on the middle of the street. So simple.

Have to admit I followed her. When I really couldn’t do anything with her tantrum. I sat down the street and let my tears flowing. Then people came and helped me. So it worked 😉

A chapter from an overly tired mum’s life

So I actually had a good day and felt pretty well until the pain in my left buttock started growing again. It got quite strong this time a felt my left leg was getting weak again. I knew I had to do a lot till I actually could do anything for my body as  I was just about to start the bedtime routine with my little one. So shame on me or not as an ex physiotherapist but I took a painkiller in the hope that the pain would go away soon.

The pain did not go away. Not a big surprise I had it since February sometimes stronger sometimes less but pretty much ongoing. I came out from my little girl bedroom and started cooking as usual I do on Thursdays night in preparation for Friday when I can spend the whole day with her. The pain was still there and started spreading down to my calf. Plus I could feel a bit of nausea and strange dizziness as a lovely adverse event from the pain killer. Anyway I had to cook. So easing my pain I started chatting with my online angel who happened to be my friend who was also a physio at some point. So we discussed my symptoms and possible ways to treat it and I was preparing the spinach-mushroom lasagne and the sauce was bubbling on the stove when I had an innocent look at the clock on the wall.  That was the moment when I got bitter. It was already 9.15 pm. I was tired felt pain literally in my bum and had to cook. I was hoping for a relaxing evening on my own as my hubby was out with his friends. I was hoping I could continue with the skirt I started making the previous day but at this point all my hope disappeared and my heart got filled with sorrow and self pity. I started feeling I was a looser. My hubby is out again (he was out the previous day too) and I was facing a long weekend with little one on my own as hubby is going away for a retreat. I felt I was a looser. Cooking and looking after baby and serving all day. While my hubby just having fun dancing with god knows whom at 5 rythm. Well actually I know with whom as he came home with two pretty female friends who are visiting London and one of them was a good friend of his and they haven’t seen each other for 4 years. So he popped home to introduce me and our little one to his female friend. They were nice a fresh and pretty. I could have been jealous. I could have been upset. I could have been annoyed. But the truth is that I did not give a shit. My only pain was that I could not spend quality time at home on my own.

I am desperate to do stuff for myself. I had a very easy day at work today I went for voting which was nice and because I am working from home I let myself to cycle to central London in the sun to have a lunch with my hubby. I even pulled myself together and put on mini skirt, put some make up on and my cool red leather-like jacket. I felt I looked like a human being. Moreover like a fresh woman. Then later after work I popped into some charity shops and found some great stuff such as a toy oven for Joy for 1.50 pounds and a black trousers which looks perfect on me for work for 4 GBP. I really felt good. Joy was pretty sweet too on the way home. No cry, no protest. Then I had a good chat with these two girls brought home by my hubby. But at 9.15 pm everything fell apart and I felt miserable again. I finished cooking at 10.00 pm then tried to do some exercises for my painful hip area but no relief. I need to look for some proper expert’s advise here. Its coming up to 11.00 pm now. My phone just sent me a notification that it was time to go to bed to get a full 8 hours sleep. But if I went now I really could not do anything. And yes I had a good day today but I just want to do so much more. I need all the good energy I can collect by doing stuff for myself otherwise I am not able to serve little one and totally not able to be a wife and totally do not want to have any intimacy with anyone. And then hubby is complaining and not happy and everything seems to be falling apart. However the key is really that I need more time. To bring in good energy. If mummy is happy everyone is happy. If mummy is not happy noone is happy. So simple.