Motherhood: service vs creative self-expression

I don’t have time for myself. I don’t feel I exist anymore. All I’m doing is work and ‘mothering’. These are sentences I often echo these days.

I don’t even know who I am. But let’s face it I have never known. So is that new?

I am desperate to leave some kind of mark that I am or I was alive.

That’s not new either.

Looks like not much has changed since my little one popped out to this world. Same old circles. I just did not even have the chance to think about these up till now.

Looks like having a baby is not really solve anything but only postpone things till who knows…

I think I was complaining that I did not have time for anything before Baby as well. But now I really have a good excuse not finding a passion. I don’t have time.

But do I really have no time or it is what it is: a good excuse for my impatience? Impatience which always prevented me from doing anything seriously. I start doing things but then it just get too detailed and I don’t have the patience to finish. I also don’t have the patience to thoroughly plan things. However I really learnt in my job that planning and preparing for an activity is basically more than half success.

So why I’m not taking the time to get enough practice to learn enough and then to enjoy. Have no idea. That is where I’m stuck. Instead of putting more effort I just stop. Like this blog there are so many bloggers who make a living out of blogging simply because they take their time and effort to make their site more popular. I simply say I wrote these posts for my memories. Which is not true. I want to leave mark! I want people to read my blog. I want to make a living out of writing or any other creative activities such as painting or making dresses or taking pictures.

Yes I think in an ideal world those are the things I would like to do. Taking pictures, editing them, adding to my fantastic blog which is all about my fab traveling experience and about the dresses I made or the painting I painted.

But reality is that I just don’t have time…

And I actually realised I want to be my 2 year old daughter. She can do whatever she wants. If she didn’t get she throws a tantrum. Even on the middle of the street. So simple.

Have to admit I followed her. When I really couldn’t do anything with her tantrum. I sat down the street and let my tears flowing. Then people came and helped me. So it worked 😉

My personal mission statement as a mum

I’m reading a book for work. I was given this book to read on my year evaluation as a goal. The book is called 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen R. Covey.

Based on the title I thought it was some quick fix book on how to utilise my time better in order to achieve more. Ha. Couldn’t be further from reality.

It’s actually a good book and could recommend for everyone who looks for personal development.

There is a chapter “Begin with the end in mind”

So this chapter makes you imagine your own funeral and what people would say about you. Voila those thoughts are your own values and that’s how you should live your life.

So if I imagine what my Little Daughter would say on my funeral that would be something like this:

My mum was the most loving and caring person I have ever known. She was always there for me no matter what part of the day or year. She always supported me in every possible way and gave me the freedom to create my own life. She was also fun. I remember spending loads of time with her as a child and as a adult too. We had long conversations about everything and she always could give me valuable advice. She gave me a safe home where I could always go with the option to always live free. Without her I wouldn’t have become this person who I am.

I couldn’t have wished a better mum and I will always love you. My dear mum.

So these are my values. These are the things what I’d like to give to you my little girl. Love, care and freedom. This is how I love you my little one. And hopefully I manage to keep my values every day in every circumstances so you can be the best version of yourself you want to be.

And we shall see how good I was keeping my values in 20 years…