So some says the universe gives you just as much burden as you can carry. Well I think I got enough for this year so the rest should be fun! Yeah yeah I guess there are people who get more but there are also people who get less!
Why do I say so? Because I am in hospital. Started the third nights heee with my baby.
We traveled to Budapest to see my mum. We choosed to come now because we had a ticket to see the Cure in Budapest. We bought the ticket last year around this time. However The Cure plays in London we choose to come here as we planed to move to Budapest when baby arrives so we would take an advantage of my mum’s help and cheaper life. Well…we did not move here as I changed my mind and also life is not cheaper here because since Brexit the pound went down and lost about 20% of its value which is a lot. Enough to make Hungary a bit more expensive than it was before Brexit to us working in the U.K. Ok so we were bound to a certain date and we booked the flight ticket and was hoping that my grandmother who was 92 would live long enough to see her first great grand child. But she wasn’t. She passed away one month earlier we arrived. Then baby got some kind of bacterial infection and on Friday night she started pooing a lot and developed fever by Saturday and on examination at the local A&E her stool was full with blood. Aaaaa scary! So from one general A&E we got referred to another and they admitted my little daughter and me to hospital. We got a nice room only for two of us. I even got a bed which is an absolute luxury considering that other mums have to sleep on a chair if they want to stay with their little ones. I got this previlige only because Joy is so little that she is still breastfeeding and they don’t want to put us together with anybody else and risking more infection. So there is a bit of happiness beside the bitter parts. The first night I didn’t take much advantage of the bed. I think I spent 30 mins in it. I got so much tasks to do with baby. Nappy change almost continuously. Weigh baby before and after feeds weigh the nappies, measure temperature, feed , calm down baby, get her sleep, start again and try to go to toilet myself…yes I did not have time for toilet nor sleep. At 5 am I started counting the hours when my family would come to help me. But this was the night they switched back the clock which meant one more hour awake instead of the usual lie in. Oh and stay positive that everything is going to be alright and don’t put the blame on yourself that you might have done something wrong. Which is probably true. Then realise that you don’t even know when can you get back to London to your life. Then realise that this is your life. There is no any other life anywhere. No matter you have a flight to catch tomorrow no matter you wanted to see PJ Harvey and you paid 45£ for your ticket and now it’s down the loo. No matter all other plans for the week. You are here right now in this moment. You have to deal with everything in one person. A baby who is in pain and shouts, a husband who is worried all the time and can’t help too much because his mother had a bad bacterial infection and almost died and he recalls those time, your own mother who is also worried because his son died 4 years ago and this whole experience brings back her thoroughly suppressed thoughts and emotions and finally your own fears. Because even if logic says she is going to survive you still worry because that’s the nature of your love for your little one. You completely addicted and even if it’s hard you can’t see any future without her. You find yourself finally in bed but then you have all these dark thoughts that if something goes wrong you just simply finish this life. Because you can’t live without her. And then your mother’s I mean my mother’s sorrow finds me and i understand what she could feel when her son – my brother was dying on the oncology ward. And she knew he was going to die. And she still took the best care of him to make the last days and hours the possible best for him. No no no I can’t even imagine how could my mum survive this. How could she continue living. And this is why my daughter is called Joy. Because she hadn’t been born yet but delighted my mum’s face. She gives so much Joy for all of us. Even when she is sick she is smiling at us. So the least I can do for her is sod PJ Harvey sod everything else and just be with her and get her better and do whatever I need to do for her. 
Breaking news: while I was writing these rows her temperature went down to 36.9!!! Yayyyy:) ok sleep now 🙂
grumpymummyblog 