Not sure what happened to me and how did everything slip out of my control but my birthing story ended up the worst possible way for me: C section. I know some mums would discuss if this is really the worst way to deliver a baby but for me it was. I hate surgeries. I hate when someone cut my skin or even give me an injection. My fear of all kind of interventions on by body is the worst kind of I have. Even the thought of the tiniest incision freaks me out. So can you imagine how did I feel on the theatre table?
Also I imagined a beautiful undisturbed natural birth with no intervention at all. I imagined to go into labour at home and wait till I have the 10-5-1 contractions as I learnt at the NCT course. I thought I would listen to music and be in my birthing zone. I was waiting waiting and waiting for the first signs of my labour.
Unfortunately the reality and our imaginations are not always the same.
So what happened?
As you can read my earlier post I was very stressed around my due date. I did not really like the fact that she was late. As the days passed by I got more and more anxious. Why was she late? When would she come? These were my only thoughts.
On week 41 I had a midwife appointment but it was not with my regular German midwife whom I like but another one. She was late then very quick with everything. Without asking me she just booked me for induction for the following Monday. I bursted in tears immediately. HOwever I was told that after the propess insertion I could go home and wait there for labour I knew this was only the first step to get into an overmedicalized birthing experience. I asked if I can refuse this induction and she said yes. So was determined to refuse the induction if everything was alright. But then days passed and by Sunday my anxiety got worse. I could not sit still at home so I called my friend and went to Field Day Festival to see PJ Harvey. It was definitely the best distraction. For a couple of hours I was stress free. In the meantime my subconscious started letting go the idea of natural birthing. My hubby was still holding to it. So that was another source for stress. I am sure my adrenalin level was way beyond the oxytocin one.
So on Monday we went to the maternity day unit. My hubby was firm that we should wait and I was hesitating. I could not sleep for weeks now. I was restless. I wanted something to happen. We got there and had a midwife who was not really on top of things. She could not place the CTG well so the trace of heartbeat was unevaluable and she was also telling all kind of horror stories about overdue pregnancies and how badly they could end. My hubby asked her to stop talking like that. She called a consultant who also started talking about the risks of overdue babies. Then the midwife handed over me to senior midwife. Thankfully. She put the CTG on correctly she examined baby on ultrasound. It turned out that baby was still not engaging and her head was too high in my tummy and unstable for birthing. She said she would not induce me in this position. We got relieved a bit. Then another consultant stepped in. She was all smile and kindness she did another scan and saying that the head is too high indeed but by then she was in a good position. I do not really recall what happened here but she just said I need the induction with the propess and she would not let me go home but monitor baby in every 4 hours. So I became a good girl, compliant patient and stayed in the hospital. Also I calmed down a bit as I was promised that this would bring on labour very soon as I was so overdue and I still could have a natural birth in the birthing centre. So at least things moved forward I thought. They gave me a nice room with a view and 3 meals a day on the triage ward. I was not too desperate at this point. My hubby brought my stuff in and I enjoyed the privacy of my room. Was listening to PJ Harvey and dancing around my little room to bring on labour.
6 hours passed by and nothing happened apart from some tightening which I had either way in the last couple of weeks. At night I was put on monitor when my tightening started to build up nicely and were regular length and had a rhythm. Before I shifted to sleep I even felt a little pain like a good contraction. So I went to sleep smiling that baby would be here by next day.
But next day came and my nice regular tightening were gone. Nothing left. I felt too good. So I got anxious again. Desperately listened to my hypnobirthing tracks. When 24 hours passed from the insertion of the Propess they came and examined me. They figured out that nothing happened down with my cervix. I did not get diluted more than a fingertip so the lovely smiling consultant offered that I do not need to wait any longer let just have a C section. The consultant explained that so many women at my stage decided to wait then they had a horrible labour ending in C section and they would have been happier to have the C section offer earlier. Listening this pitching I could not help crying again. I so did not want a C section!! And this woman was keep talking about that for me. I choosed to have another go with the Propess. But I needed to wait 24 hours. In hospital of course. They did not let me go home. I told them we were living only 9 minutes walking distance but they insisted I had to stay. I tried to pull myself together and appreciate my comfortable room and privacy and the daily meals. Which I have to admit quite liked. It was very plain British food but I liked choosing my meals from the menu and they were so punctual bringing them in and serving nicely on real china plates.
So another 24 hours of waiting. On the monitor in every 4 hours. In theory. Because in reality I was the least important as baby and me were fine so whenever there was a more urgent case they just forgot about me.
On Wednesday I got two very nice kind young consultants and they were very supportive with natural birth. We had a nice chat and they prescribed me with another type of prostaglandin cream to bring on labour. Then another couple of hours restlessness waiting for the midwife to insert the cream. It seemed like the midwife would never come. Then sometime in the late afternoon she arrived. She was nice as a person but very harsh with her examination and caused hell of lot of pain. Then she was not good at placing CTG also letting a student to do that. So I ended up sitting in one position on the bed for 4 hours chained to the monitor. Great. My lowback was aching.
The night came and I got the same treatment by midwives: forgot me on the monitor for too long. Anxiety grew and grew.
Next day felt like eternal time to wait for the consultants. They came after lunch. This time two seniors. Again they were very nice, gentle with the examination and supportive with the natural birth but this prostaglandin cream did not work either. I knew that would happen as my tightening were not strong enough and irregular and they disappeared by the morning.
So the consultants said if I really want they can give me another go but since I did not dilute at all they thought the third one would not work either so they would not be able to break the water to bring on labour. Also they thought the placenta is getting too old and there is a risk for baby pooing in the water etc.They thought C section was the best option as at that point I was at 42 weeks. I was in tears again. Helpless, hopeless. So wanted to experience the natural birth. Cannot really tell the reason why but I just nurtured this idea for 9 months. Was thinking during the pregnancy how cool it would be to be a trance and being in my birthing zone and give life like that! And then I was there and seemed I did not have other choice. They were the experts and I trusted them. They told all kind of things previously like my baby’s head was too big for my pelvic floor. Which I found hilarious! How could I have grown a baby which would not fit through my pelvic floor? So I should be grateful that with the help of the docs I still could have a healthy baby?
I was there and I had to let go all my plans and ideas about giving birth. I did not even go into labour. Did not even have a real strong contraction. They suggested not to wait for any longer. So many times I heard ‘no use to wait any longer’ that finally I signed the informed consent and sealed it with all my tears.
Then I was waiting. My hubby arrived. So we waited together. I started feeling strange pain in my tummy. They were quite regular. We timed them. Every 5th minutes I had them. They were not horribly painful, manageable. I told this to the docs and was hoping to go into labour. They promised to examine me before the surgery. The hours passed by. Again I was not in emergency so was not on the top of the list. Finally around 9 pm they came and we needed to go down to the theatre. I cant express how much I was scared form the whole surgery. The epidural and all these things. I was shaking inside. I was holding my ipod in my hands and hold on to it like it could help me. Ah was sooo afraid. Then I got the epidural. They laid me down and tested if I felt any pain. I have to admit the whole process with the anesthesia was very impressive. The anesthesiologist was very funny and also I was fascinated by his knowledge as he set the table in different angles me on top of it so the liquid could flow further up in my spine to turn off all pain sensation and kept only the other sensations. Yes I could feel everything but not pain. I felt tugging and pushing as they started taking out baby. Felt like they would have torn my baby out of my tummy. Yes they just tore her out of me. Then lift her up high above the curtain. I could see her little bum and confirmed that she was a she. Then they took away her. She was crying. Her dad could go and cut the cord. But she was just crying and I could not do anything to comfort her. I had to listen to her crying. Then like 4-5 minutes later they placed her on my shoulder and I could press my face against her. Then took her away again. Then I was out of the theatre. In the recovery room I finally could hold her. I got her skin to skin. Finally she was with me. But I was high on morphin. Hardly remember the feeling or anything. We madly started taking pictures and texting to people. Strange…Isnt it? She was finally there with me! Then she stayed on my chest and I was transferred to the postnatal ward. Which was another surreal shocking experience but thats another story.
I dont know what would have happened if I had waited longer. Maybe the docs were right and I would have ended up with an emergency C section either way. Or maybe the NCT teacher was right and I was a 10 months mom but got bullied into C section.
I do not know. It feels painful thinking of my birthing story. I have to emphasise that there was no medical reason for the C section as baby and me were completely fine all over the story. It feels like she would have been forced to come out of me when it was not time. I know I was the one who signed the papers but I still feel that I was heavily influenced by doctors in a very sensitive situation. I feel like I did not have too much choice in the whole process as I trusted the docs know better what was right or wrong. I trusted them more than my own instincts and I feel like had been let down. Like I would have lost something. I am not sure if I ever have the chance again to be pregnant and have a chance to birth in natural way.
But on the other hand whenever I have a look at my beautiful daughter these memories dissolve and I am just happy to hold her and love her. I am very grateful to get a healthy and beautiful baby girl from Mother Nature. She is just perfect as she is!
grumpymummyblog 