When I want to cry

So as I mentioned earlier working mum’s life sucks. Double and triple. In fact some time I wish I would have never become such a person. I cannot imagine living without this little magic in my life anymore but sometimes I think I really did not konw what I was stepping into. If I had known I would have never apply for this.

So because I am working only 3 days a week and because we have to pay for childcare we cannot even think about  little luxurious things in life such going for holiday or have a nice meal in a nice restaurant only two of us.

However I got a very nice job offer of working 8-10 hours extra a week and earning the same like I earn right now in 3 days. I was very pleased as this opportunity just fell into my lap and I thought why not I could do both! As I want to keep my current role but I still would like to make good money too. Well it took many weeks to get from an initial job opportunity to an actual contract but today it all has gone as my company I am working for informed me that due to changes in my contract I cannot take any other position with any other company. In other word I quit or let the opportunity go. Well at least they offered a bit more salary and the opportunity to work more after working hours but I do not even know how much more. Because I am super coward person I kept my current position and just sent the email to the other company with the decent payment saying I cannot take that role.

I was in pieces. Am I really an idiot? I could have even quit and work less. Why I did not do that????

I felt really tired after that call. I spent half night awake as our little princess got a food poisoning and was throwing up 6 times at night. I had to keep her home and work at the same time. My hubby was around to look after her but if Joy knows I am around she wants to be with me. At this point I am still number one in her life.

The only nice thing I had today is bathing her. She was playing with her little pots and I joined in. We were pouring water from one pot to the other. I could continue sitting there forever. Then we went into the bedroom, read stories had a bit of struggle to actually put her in bed but then she fell asleep and I left the room. And as I was closing the door reality hit me again. My mind started spinning again. Cook lunch for next day, write email to nice company that I cant  take the position, send emails at work because I need to prove myself, etc, etc. I am just tired. I cant work more today. I realised our bedroom where our little magic is sleeping is my safe place. In the shadow of that room  I am safe and out of the world and out of all its hassles. I am free there. I do not have disturbing thoughts. I do not have thoughts as baby simply clears out everything by being so active. She acquires all my attention so I do not have time to think of anything stupid. She is my saver even if sometimes I feel that this whole baby situation makes me a robot or a slave. This baby girl sets me free. As long as I am with her.

F*ck that comfort zone

I quite like reading travel blogs. Travel was always something I loved.  It is a little bitter nowadays that  I cannot do as much as I would like to but I still follow travel blogs. However I am getting a tiny bit upset when my favourite travel bloggers start blabbing about how they left their comfort zone in order to be able to follow their dreams and travel around the world. I am getting a tiny bit of upset when they think other people are just sitting in their comfortable life with a 9-5 job, etc. but them! They are (the travellers) are living the real life facing so many challenges on their trips and they are learning and gaining and developing but the others who are just going to work day after day have a safe life they will never be able solve an issue if that shit hits the fan in their life. Seriously that was what I read in a travel blog.

So I was reading this travel blog where the traveller describes how much she gave up to be able to travel and fulfil her bucket list.  And that she had to leave her comfort zone with all comfortable possibilities and that she is sleeping in tents sometime. Oh yeah? You still can sleep, cant you? You sleep as long as you want then wake up on a lovely part of the world. You know what? I have no idea when was the last time I could sleep as long as I wanted  but probably it was in September 2015 before my pregnancy. I had insomnia during my pregnancy  and of course when baby arrived I could permanently say goodbye for lay ins.

Or this travel nomad mentions that she does not buy clothes or material goods as she cannot carry them with herself. Well firstly I am living in London where the rent or mortgage is high as f*ck but in return the flats are tiny as a soap box with no proper storage. Plus we have a baby who needs space plus we pay mortgage and childminder and happy if we do not go into minus by the end of the month so yes we both gave up on buying clothes or non-sense material goods.

Then she also mentioned how much she learnt by the changing situations and that she always have to solve some issues during her travel. Well I have an ever changing little creature in my life and we did not get any manual in the hospital when she was born so we have to figure out how to sort out all kind of issues day by day. And by the time I am solving one issue she develops another new thing just to keep us on our toes. And do not even mention that life brings issues even if you try to live as comfortable as possible. There is is always a bit of shit in that pancake. Nothing is ever perfect and I definitely learnt that life is all about changes and nothing stays the same. I did not even have to go for travelling for this kind of wisdom.

I think having a job you do only for paying the bills and having a flat to provide a safe environment for a developing little soul is a pretty much mature and responsible decision and definitely not a comfortable one.

Once I gave up on everything and stepped out of the that so called comfort zone and left behind everything to live my dream life. I did not go for backpacking but I had  a backpack and a suitcase when I arrived to London. That was all I needed and I was the happiest chap on the world. I had nothing, no future, no past, no comfortable home but a room I rented.  I was not responsible for anything and I was totally free. That was the best bit. I could do everything because it did not matter what happen tomorrow. Today was mine. I did not have to think of anybody else but me. But I probably was not aware of this. So when I read about somebody who lives their dream life but says that she had to step out of the comfortable life I could actually kick her bum. Yes it is pretty difficult to step out of a conventional life (would not call comfortable) for the first time. But when you did it then it is just so much easier. You do not have  to deal with anybody else’s opinion or emotion anymore only yourself. You do not have to worry about bills or mortgage or for a family anymore because you do not have those things.

It is not fair to say it is easy to live in comfort zone. I really do not think ‘ordinary people’s’ life is easier or more comfortable than a traveller one. You still have to fight with daily shit just because you have a continuous income at the end of the month. I think it is pretty hard to go to an office day after day when your soul is suffering  and want space and freedom but you are too tired at the end of the day to figure out a better way to live. Or it is pretty difficult to give up on your preferences or on sleep  for a little soul who happened to be your child. But we choose to live our own life and it is definitely rewarding by a little things like a little kiss from a little people who happened to be my daughter.