Almost handed in…

This week I was very close to hand in  my resignation as a mum. But I had two issues with that. First I did not know to whom could I hand in and how long was my notice period? My hubby said the notice period was 18 years and he refused taking my notice. So where could I hand in? Joy is very clever but still not able to read despite of all the books we are watching day after day.

The usual ‘look how cute is my baby’ picture

So why did I want to hand in my notice? Because my baby is clearly a toddler and because I was a permissive mum in the last 17 month and therefore she now has a tanrtum for EVERYTHING. Literally for everything if it is not according to her need. Like I want to change her nappy but she is not ready? Tantrum. If she is happy to change it she actually comes with me to the bathroom and sit on the changing mat patiently. If she is in the mood for toothbrushing she does it if she is not she just screams her head off. If she wants to go somewhere she just brings her scarf and jacket, put on her shoes (ok trying to put them on) but if she doesn’t I can’t force any of these items on her.

I am ready to go!

If she wants to snack but she does not get what she wants at once. Guess what…

But the worst thing ever is putting her in the buggy. She arches her back and screams like we would skinned her. OK this is happening mainly with me. Plus she is moaning or crying all over the way home from the childminder unless I stuff her with sufficient quality snack.

The less usual ‘look this is why you should never have a kid’ picture

But I have come to the point that this behaviour has to be ended which means I am the most horrible mum on the Earth poor little Joy could get. But decision has been made there is no more snacking on the way home. And no more spinning the whole world around her. It’s not only for my sanity but for her too. She started biting and pinching others when she does not get what she wants or gets frustrated. However I sometimes agree with her but still we are living in a society and noone likes a girl who is biting and pinching so I need to do something if I want her to have friends later on. So I am trying the do not give in technique. I am trying not be angry and not raising my voice and not shouting with her just get through my will. I am really trying my best here. I started only yesterday but I can say it was a complete nightmare and failure too. She was crying a lot and I could not soothe her. After moaning on the way home she started screaming at home for on and off about 40 minutes. Nothing worked. No cuddles and kisses, no ignoring her, nor swearing.  Not even food! The only thing calmed her down was my recorder. I think my final desperation what made me playing on it. Then she wanted to play on it too. Which was fun.

She can blow the recorder!

Just after the storm

Yesterday I felt angry of Joy for the first time she had been born and immediately felt guilty for these feelings. I know it is only a phase and all babies go through. I know but it does not make easier.  After a horrible evening yesterday I did not have much expectation nor hopes that today would go better. And however she was lovely at the childminder’s flat I still could not put her in the buggy when we went downstairs. So we started walking home hand in hand. You would think ‘oh thats nice’ but Joy had enough holding my hand after a minute and tore hers out of my mine and walked away. Which was still ok as I prepared for such scenario and she was wearing her backpack with the lead on so I still could hold her back. But then she found out the inner side of the pedestrian is not entertaining enough and she needed to run off the pedestrian to the road. Of course I hold her back by the lead but she really did not appreciate this. Tantrum and collapse on the street on the wet pavement. And this was not the first time…

Trying the new backpack

Hm did not go well

So that was the point when I picked her up and shovelled her into the buggy.  I really do think a screaming toddler in the buggy is still better than a dead toddler on the road. And for my surprise she stopped crying after a couple of minutes. We got on the bus since it was raining. Because she behaved so well I gave her a bit of snack. Of course I had some hidden in my pocket. Then we came home had some more snack, played a bit then my mum was calling and I could not play and talk at the same time as Joy hated not being in the centre of my attention. She ran into the kitchen stopped in front of the snack cupboard screaming and hitting the doors of the bottom cupboard. I went after her. In that moment I got enlightened and realised that actually she was not in a life threatening situation and I left the kitchen, went to the living room and sat myself on the sofa and continued talking to my mum. And what happened after this I hardly could believe. After about one or two minutes Joy stopped crying and she came after me to the living room with a big smile on her face. Wow. Then she was like a little angel during the whole evening and bedtime too. She placed herself nicely on the changing mat for nappy change, she brushed her teeth (ok we are not talking about a two minutes long thorough work but still!), she helped putting on her PJ and night gown, we read a bit of book and then she curled up in my lap showing that she was tired and ready to sleep. She had a bit of breastfeed (yes still on it) then asked for water then closed her eyes and slept. This was 4 hours ago. I heard her twice making some sounds but I did not have to go to the bedroom. She sleeps nice and sound. And I feel a little better. There is hope in the universe out there that we survive this thing called parenting.

Is it the worst being a mum?

I’m just continuously worried about things. Mostly that one day I do something or I just miss to prevent something and she will have some serious injury or disability. It really makes me worried how easily trouble comes.

Today the lift pinched 3 of her fingers while I tried to drag out the empty buggy. I don’t even know what happened it was so fast. She was just screaming in pain and I tried to tug her fingers out of the hole but it didn’t let. Pushed the button too to try to close back the door hoping that would let my little one fingers but that bloody lift door didn’t move. I eventually had to drag out her fingers and for a while I thought her little fingers were completely broken.

Still not sure how are they but she didn’t cry too long and she was using her fingers happily after. But first thing tomorrow we are going to docs.

And in a meantime a friend of mine’s daughter sleeping in a hospital suffered from concussion. Due to a stupid fall in school.

How can we live like this? Loving someone so much and worried all the time. Seriously I have never imagined being a mum can be so stressful. If I did I probably would have never dared to sign up for this role.

These things are definitely the worst to cope with. I can’t even imagine what my mum could go through when my brother died from cancer. And she look after him till the last moment.

Worries constantly. No stop. No holiday. No breaks.

And then I start praying to god or whatever external authority to help me prevent accidents. To help me protect my little girl and raise her healthy and happy. To protect her from emotional and physical stress. To help her keeping as she is: perfect little munchkin.

Grumpy mummy in Basel

So I worked as a pharmacovigilance consultant before Baby and that meant loads of traveling for work. After Baby I got this amazing deal of working from home three days a week. Which is awesome and hardly could ask for anything better but as I’m an ever complaining grumpy mummy I started missing traveling for work. I’ve been to Basel so many times and I thought I would never ever return to this city again but I started missing even this city.

I’m not sure how things are working but last Tuesday in the morning I had this desire then in the late afternoon I had a phone call which I managed to return only next day and it turned out I needed to come to Basel for work. Only for 2 days which is only 1 night but obviously realised I don’t want this at all. I would if I was single and not having a little baby at home crying in the early morning hours for my boob. But Yes she does so as she is still breastfeeding. Yes she is almost 16 month old. I know there is no need for breastfeeding. thanks everyone for raising an eyebrow there…But life is just so much easier this way. Is she crying? Boob in her face. Did she fall and hurt herself? Boob for her! Is she cranky? Clingy? Boob it! Does she wake up at 5.15? Booooooob

However I had enough of it but have to say it gives an easy solution for a lot of things. So yes she is still on the boob.

Anyway I had to come to Basel as I thought I didn’t have any other choice. I felt I would soon or later loose my job if I had not have come. It turned out today when I talked to my line manager who didn’t even know about my trip that I actually could have pushed back this request! Now you can hear me crying!

Anyway I’m here. And it looks we will survive. We’ll see how the night will go at home.. but so far so good. Only 5 mins cry in the morning from Baby side and about an hour of depression and making life changing plans from my side today morning (plus all the anxiety since last Wednesday). Plus having two breakfasts, one big lunch and an even bigger dinner at my favourite vegan restaurant. Because if it is paid by company it has to be big!

I have to admit since I arrived to the office I’m so busy that I could not worry anymore. Then right now I’m in a huge hotel room. All of it got myself alone! Well it’s rather a one bedroom apartment really and honestly I’m very much looking forward for the breakfast. Hopefully we all survive as I’m in Der teufelhof hotel which basically means I’m in devil’s yard.

And hopefully poor hubby will survive too and won’t get too much of cry. And Baby will survive and won’t get some lifelong damage by left alone with dad and childminder for about 36 hours.

Also have to admit Basel is lovely during autumn. And it has so many interesting quirky little cafes and shops. I wish I had more time to go to discover more! But careful what you wish for! I do NOT wish to be here anymore. It was lovely for a last time. And then tomorrow I’m getting on my plane and go home to my beautiful child. And never return!

But till then I will have a good night sleep in this huge bed I’m laying at the moment – all alone for the first time in the last 16 months – hopefully uninterrupted.