How fragile you are my little one.

My little one is not totally well these days. Had two episodes of strange vomiting bug and some even stranger allergy appeared just in the same time. The vomiting disappeared the allergy got worse. It looks like she has allergy to the iron climbing frames on the playground!

It was only a couple of hives initially then got worse and worse and today it creeped to her face and as I was rushing home to get some medicine (she has seasonal allergy too so I have antihistamines at home just in case) she started grasping for air turned snow white and I seriously thought she did not get any air. I ran into the flat tore up the cupboard and gave her the medication for allergy. She got better instantly but still I called 111.

Oh my they were asking so many questions. Luckily Joy got better and better but I was so stressed that of course started crying and screaming. Don’t even mention they called my Jane. Passing the phone to other people and passing my name as Jane. No you don’t want to called anything else when you are nearly panicking.

They eventually sent an ambulance. Only took them a 40 minutes little chat. But I know now in case of real emergency call 999 not 111.

The guys were great and Joy was thrilled to travel by ambulance to the hospital. Still not sure why we had to be taken there when I sorted her and she was fine but at least she could play with the toys in the waiting room for a couple of hours…and you know she wanted to get into that room in the morning when I was at the urgent care centre with an other issue. So yes me managed to spend this lovely day in the hospital instead of visiting my friend on the beach.

But it looks like my uti saved us from something worse. Imagine if this happens when I’m miles and miles away from home and the medication! Don’t even want to think about it.

I’m still concerned what happens if I forgot to take her medication with me because it looks like I have to stick with that from now on. And how can she live like this? Playground and climbing frames are her favourite things! How can I say to her no. How can I explain to her that she can’t climb anymore on those things??

How will we manage? Is there a solution out there?

Help. If anyone has similar experience out there…

Motherhood: service vs creative self-expression

I don’t have time for myself. I don’t feel I exist anymore. All I’m doing is work and ‘mothering’. These are sentences I often echo these days.

I don’t even know who I am. But let’s face it I have never known. So is that new?

I am desperate to leave some kind of mark that I am or I was alive.

That’s not new either.

Looks like not much has changed since my little one popped out to this world. Same old circles. I just did not even have the chance to think about these up till now.

Looks like having a baby is not really solve anything but only postpone things till who knows…

I think I was complaining that I did not have time for anything before Baby as well. But now I really have a good excuse not finding a passion. I don’t have time.

But do I really have no time or it is what it is: a good excuse for my impatience? Impatience which always prevented me from doing anything seriously. I start doing things but then it just get too detailed and I don’t have the patience to finish. I also don’t have the patience to thoroughly plan things. However I really learnt in my job that planning and preparing for an activity is basically more than half success.

So why I’m not taking the time to get enough practice to learn enough and then to enjoy. Have no idea. That is where I’m stuck. Instead of putting more effort I just stop. Like this blog there are so many bloggers who make a living out of blogging simply because they take their time and effort to make their site more popular. I simply say I wrote these posts for my memories. Which is not true. I want to leave mark! I want people to read my blog. I want to make a living out of writing or any other creative activities such as painting or making dresses or taking pictures.

Yes I think in an ideal world those are the things I would like to do. Taking pictures, editing them, adding to my fantastic blog which is all about my fab traveling experience and about the dresses I made or the painting I painted.

But reality is that I just don’t have time…

And I actually realised I want to be my 2 year old daughter. She can do whatever she wants. If she didn’t get she throws a tantrum. Even on the middle of the street. So simple.

Have to admit I followed her. When I really couldn’t do anything with her tantrum. I sat down the street and let my tears flowing. Then people came and helped me. So it worked 😉

2!

My little one had turned 2 today. It’s almost unbelievable that two years ago she didn’t even know how to suck on my boob And now here she comes and rolls on her new scooter!

So much changes continuously. Joy is definitely developing her little ego saying no to everything and if that wasn’t enough throwing a tantrum..

But on the other hand she is such a sweet little girl with the big cheeky smile on her face. She is so funny and cute. She started selling ice cream to me the other day when we where on the playground. It came out of the blue I thought she was demanding ice cream but she actually figured out a roll play with me. So now she becomes the entertainer instead of the one being entertained. I’m looking forward for all the further games we are facing in the next couple of years.

Selling ice cream

I love you so much and more and more every day!

2 today

Shopping

My personal mission statement as a mum

I’m reading a book for work. I was given this book to read on my year evaluation as a goal. The book is called 7 habits of highly effective people by Stephen R. Covey.

Based on the title I thought it was some quick fix book on how to utilise my time better in order to achieve more. Ha. Couldn’t be further from reality.

It’s actually a good book and could recommend for everyone who looks for personal development.

There is a chapter “Begin with the end in mind”

So this chapter makes you imagine your own funeral and what people would say about you. Voila those thoughts are your own values and that’s how you should live your life.

So if I imagine what my Little Daughter would say on my funeral that would be something like this:

My mum was the most loving and caring person I have ever known. She was always there for me no matter what part of the day or year. She always supported me in every possible way and gave me the freedom to create my own life. She was also fun. I remember spending loads of time with her as a child and as a adult too. We had long conversations about everything and she always could give me valuable advice. She gave me a safe home where I could always go with the option to always live free. Without her I wouldn’t have become this person who I am.

I couldn’t have wished a better mum and I will always love you. My dear mum.

So these are my values. These are the things what I’d like to give to you my little girl. Love, care and freedom. This is how I love you my little one. And hopefully I manage to keep my values every day in every circumstances so you can be the best version of yourself you want to be.

And we shall see how good I was keeping my values in 20 years…

A chapter from an overly tired mum’s life

So I actually had a good day and felt pretty well until the pain in my left buttock started growing again. It got quite strong this time a felt my left leg was getting weak again. I knew I had to do a lot till I actually could do anything for my body as  I was just about to start the bedtime routine with my little one. So shame on me or not as an ex physiotherapist but I took a painkiller in the hope that the pain would go away soon.

The pain did not go away. Not a big surprise I had it since February sometimes stronger sometimes less but pretty much ongoing. I came out from my little girl bedroom and started cooking as usual I do on Thursdays night in preparation for Friday when I can spend the whole day with her. The pain was still there and started spreading down to my calf. Plus I could feel a bit of nausea and strange dizziness as a lovely adverse event from the pain killer. Anyway I had to cook. So easing my pain I started chatting with my online angel who happened to be my friend who was also a physio at some point. So we discussed my symptoms and possible ways to treat it and I was preparing the spinach-mushroom lasagne and the sauce was bubbling on the stove when I had an innocent look at the clock on the wall.  That was the moment when I got bitter. It was already 9.15 pm. I was tired felt pain literally in my bum and had to cook. I was hoping for a relaxing evening on my own as my hubby was out with his friends. I was hoping I could continue with the skirt I started making the previous day but at this point all my hope disappeared and my heart got filled with sorrow and self pity. I started feeling I was a looser. My hubby is out again (he was out the previous day too) and I was facing a long weekend with little one on my own as hubby is going away for a retreat. I felt I was a looser. Cooking and looking after baby and serving all day. While my hubby just having fun dancing with god knows whom at 5 rythm. Well actually I know with whom as he came home with two pretty female friends who are visiting London and one of them was a good friend of his and they haven’t seen each other for 4 years. So he popped home to introduce me and our little one to his female friend. They were nice a fresh and pretty. I could have been jealous. I could have been upset. I could have been annoyed. But the truth is that I did not give a shit. My only pain was that I could not spend quality time at home on my own.

I am desperate to do stuff for myself. I had a very easy day at work today I went for voting which was nice and because I am working from home I let myself to cycle to central London in the sun to have a lunch with my hubby. I even pulled myself together and put on mini skirt, put some make up on and my cool red leather-like jacket. I felt I looked like a human being. Moreover like a fresh woman. Then later after work I popped into some charity shops and found some great stuff such as a toy oven for Joy for 1.50 pounds and a black trousers which looks perfect on me for work for 4 GBP. I really felt good. Joy was pretty sweet too on the way home. No cry, no protest. Then I had a good chat with these two girls brought home by my hubby. But at 9.15 pm everything fell apart and I felt miserable again. I finished cooking at 10.00 pm then tried to do some exercises for my painful hip area but no relief. I need to look for some proper expert’s advise here. Its coming up to 11.00 pm now. My phone just sent me a notification that it was time to go to bed to get a full 8 hours sleep. But if I went now I really could not do anything. And yes I had a good day today but I just want to do so much more. I need all the good energy I can collect by doing stuff for myself otherwise I am not able to serve little one and totally not able to be a wife and totally do not want to have any intimacy with anyone. And then hubby is complaining and not happy and everything seems to be falling apart. However the key is really that I need more time. To bring in good energy. If mummy is happy everyone is happy. If mummy is not happy noone is happy. So simple.

Once upon a time they called me Ginger

We went to Amsterdam for a few days to meet my husband’s friends and family. Happened that a friend from Hungary also spent a couple of days in Amsterdam at the same time and we actually managed to meet up.

She hasn’t seen me for a while and when we said goodbye she said “you changed a lot and you are a mummy now. You know I knew you as Ginger” I completely forgot about that! I completely forgot about Ginger! How could I? That was me for a couple of years and now it’s completely vanished. I’m a mum with no sense or memories of the past 😮

Well at least I still have the red hair…but what else? Really not much. I’m not interested in partying because I have to get up early next morning and can’t sleep off the night so I’d rather go home early to have some decent hours of sleep. And to be honest I have better ideas about enjoying life then going out and getting shitfaced.

I’m not interested in men as I have a cute lovely and faulty one at home who is totally enough for me in every aspects. So yes Ginger as the party girl is kind of dead. But don’t really mind that! Somehow it just feels nice to live a simple life. Sometimes I get itchy feet that my life is boring but most of the time if I think about my life I’m pretty content. I got everything I ever wanted. As far as I can remember I always got everything I wanted. so really no use to complain.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
ad in the past to make my life more exciting and adventurous just faded away when Baby arrived. I still cherish some desire to travel to a distant warm part of the world and live free and careless and do what I want to do in the heat of the moment but it is drifting further and further away.

I'm actually satisfied.

And guess what… for a stupid reason I'm sitting on a flight on my own at moment back home to London while my baby and hubby is still in Amsterdam. I've always grumbling about being tired and wanting a break on my own and now that I have it I just completely missing them. My baby and my hubby. My family.

When I want to cry

So as I mentioned earlier working mum’s life sucks. Double and triple. In fact some time I wish I would have never become such a person. I cannot imagine living without this little magic in my life anymore but sometimes I think I really did not konw what I was stepping into. If I had known I would have never apply for this.

So because I am working only 3 days a week and because we have to pay for childcare we cannot even think about  little luxurious things in life such going for holiday or have a nice meal in a nice restaurant only two of us.

However I got a very nice job offer of working 8-10 hours extra a week and earning the same like I earn right now in 3 days. I was very pleased as this opportunity just fell into my lap and I thought why not I could do both! As I want to keep my current role but I still would like to make good money too. Well it took many weeks to get from an initial job opportunity to an actual contract but today it all has gone as my company I am working for informed me that due to changes in my contract I cannot take any other position with any other company. In other word I quit or let the opportunity go. Well at least they offered a bit more salary and the opportunity to work more after working hours but I do not even know how much more. Because I am super coward person I kept my current position and just sent the email to the other company with the decent payment saying I cannot take that role.

I was in pieces. Am I really an idiot? I could have even quit and work less. Why I did not do that????

I felt really tired after that call. I spent half night awake as our little princess got a food poisoning and was throwing up 6 times at night. I had to keep her home and work at the same time. My hubby was around to look after her but if Joy knows I am around she wants to be with me. At this point I am still number one in her life.

The only nice thing I had today is bathing her. She was playing with her little pots and I joined in. We were pouring water from one pot to the other. I could continue sitting there forever. Then we went into the bedroom, read stories had a bit of struggle to actually put her in bed but then she fell asleep and I left the room. And as I was closing the door reality hit me again. My mind started spinning again. Cook lunch for next day, write email to nice company that I cant  take the position, send emails at work because I need to prove myself, etc, etc. I am just tired. I cant work more today. I realised our bedroom where our little magic is sleeping is my safe place. In the shadow of that room  I am safe and out of the world and out of all its hassles. I am free there. I do not have disturbing thoughts. I do not have thoughts as baby simply clears out everything by being so active. She acquires all my attention so I do not have time to think of anything stupid. She is my saver even if sometimes I feel that this whole baby situation makes me a robot or a slave. This baby girl sets me free. As long as I am with her.

Bye bye breastfeeding

It lasted for 17 month long. It had a very slow and painful start but then I really got into it. It became actually very nice and peaceful. I remember the days when Joy was exclusively breastfeeding and I used those moments for relaxing and enjoying holding and spending time with her.

But after a while it got painful again due to arrival of little teeth and Joy became a real addict to my boobs. I kind of used them too for multiple purposes such as getting her to sleep, soothing her when she had a meltdown but the whole thing started to be very stressful. I didn’t enjoy as Joy was sucking so strong and she got the boob frustration too many times. I never really knew if she wants me or only my boobs.

So I was planning to quit for a while. But of course in the back of my mind I was very much afraid of it. Will she still love me or will I be just a bored item on her list? Will I be able to get her to sleep and will I still have my special moments with her? Will the process be painful for her and for me?

All these questions were in my mind but have to say it went so much easier than I expected. Firstly two mornings she refused breastfeeding so I knew this was my time. Then I had to be away for work for two days and when I came back I just didn’t show my boobs anymore. There was a bit of cry at bedtime but the her bedtime routine is so strong by now that she was sleeping in no more than 10 minutes. There was a bit of protest the next morning and the following night as well but really not significant. She sometimes makes bigger fuss out of not getting snack. So it happened really smooth.

And what is the result? Yeah sometimes I felt very sad not having that special bound to her anymore but what I got in return is also very precious. She became so much calmer! No more boob frustration. She is a happy little girl and very easy to handle. She comes for hugs! Sometimes we are just sitting on the floor and hugging each other for long minutes. She also gives me kisses. What an amazing swap! She found a way to replace the boob connection to another one. The hugs are the way how we still can melt into each other and feel we are one. I know she still loves me and she still needs me. What a relief!

I’m still useful and there for her whenever she wants me.

Think it’s time to burn my breastfeeding bras..but wait a minute they are actually so much more comfy than the normal ones..

Working mummy life sucks

So I already had a full time job as a mum and then I went back to work. I often say that I’m resting while I’m working and considering that I’m only sitting in a comfortable armchair instead of running up and down it’s actually true. But while I’m working I don’t have time to manage anything else. And if you are as lucky as me that sometimes I have to spend away the night from my little one then things get even worse. Eg. Laundry can stuck in the washing machine for 2 days or no one is ordering ingredients for food or cleaning.

Spending two days away is enough to throw you back to the feeling when you didn’t have a kid but you still know you are limited in many ways. So for example I should travel for work. But I don’t do that anymore. Last week I spent 2 days and one night away listening all my colleagues about how much are they traveling to here and there and in between work they pop here and there then for holiday they go here and there and blablabla. Well if you don’t like traveling then it’s cool to be a mum and never go anywhere. But I do love traveling and finally I have a job where I could do that! I could but I also have a little child whom I emotionally bounded. Yeah the bound is only emotional since I gave up on breastfeeding exactly a week ago. It is a bit strange but on the other hand Joy is so big now that it felt very strange breastfeeding her lately. So that’s gone and I have to say it went pretty easily. So she sleeps through the night not breastfeeding and apparently eats more with her father than with me. So why I’m? Does she need me at all? Can I just go now? I did my best for 17 month now her dad can do his best.

Oh well it’s not that easy. Unfortunately I love that little one. And every minute I spent away from her I feel guilty. Not sure why but I just feel I should be with her all the time. She definitely loves me she is always happy to see me and one more lovely new thing is that she can give kisses! Such sweet thing getting a kiss from your toddler. And she comes for hugs. Sometimes we just sit on the floor hugging each other for long minutes. A friend of mine said many many years ago that what she felt for her daughter was a new love and in Hungarian we have different word for love as a mother and love as passionate love. She used the word for passionate love. I found that was a very vague statement but what did I know about motherhood so many years ago?

I actually often think that it is really like a passionate love. I still love smelling her hair or just hug her and giving kisses to her. It’s so powerful hugging your little toddler. In that moment really nothing else matters.

But then as a working mum I spend time away from her then if I have time I open up the poisonous Facebook where everyone is about traveling or my friends in real life are also always traveling somewhere. And we? We are not even dreaming of traveling. My salary is going straight to the bank for the mortgage every month. And my hubby’s salary is totally consumed as payment for childcare, food and utilities. That’s our life for now. Living like vegetables. Growing in size. Not sure if growing in any other way… counting the years till she gets old enough so I wouldn’t feel guilty to leave her behind and go and do something like traveling or a mediation course or something for myself for a week or two.