Am I British?

My application for British citizenship was accepted and I had my citizenship ceremony on Monday. Am I really British now? I still have my Hungarian accent and still making grammatical errors but I can complain a lot about the weather and I love jacket potato as well.

Am I really British? I’m Just about to completely separate from my English husband. Which is very sad considering we have a 6 years old beautiful daughter.

Think it was coming for a while now. Signs were there that something is not working.

We didn’t manage to get to the stage to have a second child which could be due to financial considerations but also I just didn’t feel anymore to have a child with him.

He is a great guy just probably not meant for me. I wish I could love him more. I wish I could have a beautiful marriage, a big house and a handful of children.

But life sometimes works out differently. I’m now trying to settling in the thought that I may be single again with a small child. I do hate being single. I just work so much better in marriage. But looks like my idea of marriage is not working. I just wanted someone who would help me carry the baggage till the end of my life but my husband doesn’t want to do that without any emotional and sexual relationship with me. So he wants to leave. He’s Saying that this is what I wanted for years and years. I don’t even know anymore. Did I really want this?

If any justification ever needed

If any reasons were ever needed why it is worth for me to live (struggle) in London this moment was that.

Last Friday I passed by South Bank and saw this poster about this literature festival where Nick Cave talked. And they still had tickets. And I didn’t have a baby sitter for that night and kids under 16 were not allowed.

But a friend was kind enough to help me with a sleepover and two other kind friends came with me.

I arrived early and was enjoying the night view from Southbank balcony which is my absolute favourite place since I’m living in London.

I had a seat very far away from stage but hearing Nick Cave talking about his album Ghosteen was really moving and comforting. He lost his son who was only 15 years old. And this is a loss that really transformed his music I think. I liked his music beforehand but I simply just love his music and the talk was such a medicine.

I’ve been told too many times to process my loss. My father and my brother. But I don’t think you can process anything like that. You can just learn to live with this loss. It’s always gonna be there.

And I loved how Nick Cave talk about this loss. How he said during this talk that it’s ok to feel like that.

So listening his talk and hearing that his signing his book gave us the idea to queue up for a signature. And we were one of the hundreds of lucky one who could get to the queue in time. We waited about an hour but it was so worth it.

Obviously I was nervous and just mumbled to him “your music is such a comfort for those who lost something.” He shook my hand and looked into my eyes. “Are you one of them” and that moment was such beautiful moment. Invaluable.

And my hand went just on with the tingling like when you do a perfect kung fu form and you feel the energy flowing through you. That’s how it felt holding his hand. Something great energy just got transformed by him.

I feel stupid but I think he is an extension of God through his being, words and music. I kind of lost my faith a while ago but I do believe in the words he says: “It’s ok”

Thank you Nick Cave for existing and making music for us.

She’s 6 today

She was taken out 6 years ago of my tummy and I didn’t suspect that by now I would be a total nervous wreck.

I always just wanted to love her and protect her but I may be just failing on this whole mothering thing…

We had this little party today on her actually birthday and my little one was just crying for almost everything. Think it was probably the world’s worst birthday party.

We had a big party too with 26 kids on previous Saturday when we hired a big venue with outdoor playground and indoor facilities, cooked and prepared a lot and she was crying there too.

Well “it’s my party and I cry if I want to”…

Today on her actual birthday we just had a small gathering with a couple of her friends and she was crying a LOT. I Felt embarrassed. why is she just crying? And she was just telling me the same things that would make me sad too: “look my friend didn’t wait for me” “ look my friends are not playing with me” “look they play with each other but not with me”

How on Earth can we pass down our on shit to our kids???

I knew we should have just celebrated her just 3 of us. But I didn’t put down my feet. A mum wanted to pop in today as she forgot to bring the present on Saturday and first I said no but then I let her come along. Huge mistake…

We also invited Joy’s best friend from school and her family too. Initially it all went well but when the other mum arrived with the kids and things just got out of hands partly my fault because I really shouldn’t have blown up those balloons…

From that point the whole evening was just constant conflict for my little one. She is a very sensitive one. Probably we passed down a lot of our own shit to her. And I don’t know what to do.

I’m not doing well these days and my hubby is struggling with other stuff too.

Actually I broke up with him yesterday due to a bad morning episode but looks like we are still together because we have Joy.

Life is fucked I’m not enjoying at all at the moment.

So I guess if I ask why my little girl is not happy maybe I should figure out why I’m not happy.

Anyway here’s pictures of the two parties. Photos of those moments when she seemed to be happy

She asked me if I dressed up to my favourite Disney character: so did I! To Cruella Deville!

Worries

My little one has a mole on her scalp that I want to have checked. My brother passed away due to a mole that became melanoma (also was on his scalp) and my little one’s father just had a mole removed that was diagnosed as basal cell carcinoma.

So I called the GP they asked a picture of the mole then they called me back to go in for check up.

Please let it be a normal mole and nothing to be worry about.

I had enough loosing the ones that I love the most.

I am an idiot

So the last 3 months was a a very strange period of my life with the weirdest outcome ever.

Last year I really started thinking what I should do with my life and came to the conclusion that living in London is expensive and I need to stay in the pharma industry to maintain our life here. So I started thinking what job would make me happier within pharma industry. I decided that being a local safety officer/national contact person for PV could be an option. I saw a job add at one of my older employer and asked a friend to submit my CV but they did not even want to invite me for an interview.

In January I got upset with my current employer as they did not promote me however that was the promised last year and the previous and previous years. So I went to Linked in straight and found a job that I wanted. Midsize pharma looking for safety manager for nordic region. The pharma company looked like a dream. Not the usual bullshit pharma but a company who really seem to care about their patients. I submitted my CV. But nothing happened. Then in March they invited me for an interview. I was very happy and enthusiastic. I got over the first round. While I was waiting for round two I got a call from a recruiter to have a look at a website for a technology company who is looking for a senior PV consultant for an unbelievable amount of salary. Well my principles were: not going for consultant job because that is equal to burn out syndrome (I am a PV consultant) and not doing data base implementation (because I am not a techy) but I thought for that money I may be able to do it. So I went for the interview.

So job one I just named as nice job because that was what I wanted: midsize pharma company, nice medications serving patients not business. Job two I just named devil job because I really did not want to do the work but I loved the money they offered.

A long story short: I had two interviews for the devil job and got an offer. And was in the process for the nice job. I was so afraid that I would get both jobs and I should make a decision that I wished one of them would not want me. Well…God must have sense of humour because I got both jobs..The nice job even offered me 4 days working week but obviously the payment was 20k less even for the full time than the devil job offer. But I still liked them and was determined to take that job. But the temptation was really big. When I saw the contract for the devil job I just decided I refuse that because I was sure it would mean hell of lot of work for me and a good burn out syndrome again. So I was telling to the recruiter that I did want to sign the contract. Then he gave me a massive speech that I should not take the other job because the nice pharma got acquired and they would fire me in 1,5 years and also I should not sell myself for so “cheap” (he meant 55k is not good enough for me – well I would have done it for that money). I asked a colleague as well what she thought about my offers and her opinion was that my talent would be wasted to do the nice job. So i gave in and went for the devil job. I signed the contract but I just did not feel happy. In fact I panicked. I felt really bad about that job not sure why. So next day I called the nice job to get back my offer. Obviously they were really surprised but gave back the offer and we started working on the contract. Well…the contract was even worse than for the devil job. And the worst was that after agreeing that I would work from home they did not put this in the contract. According to the contract I was office based. And the office was in Uxbridge. I lived in (S)uxbridge I have no intention to return there. The route takes me 1,5 hours to get there and 1,5 hours to get back. I was supposed to do that once a week and ad hoc as required but this was not in the contract. I also started worrying that I might really loose my job as the recruiter said.So all these things just gave me a hard time. I used my current client (who is actually the acquisitor for the nice midsize company) as an excuse for not signing the contract. And they agreed that I cannot legally sign the contract if I am already working for their acquisitor. So nice job was out of picture again.

In the mean time I tried to resign and I got the most ridicules counter offer from my employer that I did not even consider. So as nothing else left I went for the devil job again. But then my current employer raised their counter offer to an acceptable level. And I got back to the limbo again. I had a couple of terrible years at my current job but right now I have a lovely client and I work on a COVID related project that is actually interesting and I know if I screw something that might effect the bigger picture with the vaccination. So hey I have a purpose in life! But still the devil job paid much better. Anyway after another hell of week contemplating eventually I took the counter offer and turned down devil job. The recruiter did not give in. I had to tell him “no” 3 times then he disappeared for 2 full days. I was actually about to change my mind but was very proud not contacting him to get back the offer. But on day 3 he contacted me saying that he would tell his client that afternoon that I was not taking the job. That was terrible. I knew I had a couple of hours to change my mind. And I did. I even bargained a new offer for 4 days work week. I was happy. I felt I was winning. For a couple of hours. Then I had a sleepless night thinking that I am doing the wrong thing. I do not want to do that work. Then I had a hell of day when my little girl developed some chicken pox like rash. I was just utterly worried for everything. My stomach was aching so much that I could not cope. My stomach ache normally comes when I think I am on the wrong path. It only stops aching if I go back to the right path. So I sent a message to the recruiter guy again that I wanted him to take me out of the job. Well…he was not happy – to say at least. But my stomach ache disappeared straight. So I could enjoy my easy but significant project work. I could still go an pick up Joy from school and have a simple life. I got a promotion for not leaving the company and 20% salary raise and also raised bonus. So I should be happy….Until I think of the money at the devil job…And what I could have done with that extra 800 pounds per month that would have come with the salary….So now I am just thinking what is wrong with me? Did I really turn down an offer so I am able to go an pick up my little one from school? It very much looks like that was the only reason. And guess what: my little one does not even care who picks her up as long as she can hang out in the park with her BF after school. So I could have just taken the devil job and pay a nanny on that extra 800 pound to look after my daughter while I am working my ass off…so that is why devil job is called devil job.

She’s a good observer

‘She’s a good observer.’ they said to me about Joy in nursery about a year ago.

This evening we were chatting with my husband in the kitchen where Joy was seemingly not paying attention to us. Not even when I asked something from her. (Quite usual tbh…)

I asked my hubby: about what age kids start paying attention to what parents are saying..

He said probably around at the age of 35.

Me: well I probably will be dead by then

I went to do my business and in about a minute Joy was asking or saying to me: “az apád meghalt” (your dad is dead) I said yes then she said “és Gábor is” (and [your brother] Gabor as well) I said yes and thanked that she remembered my brother’s name whom she has never met.

Then she just smiled at me and opened up her arms to give me a big cuddle and kisses and told me “én szeretlek téged, meg apa is és az anyád is” (I love you and daddy too and your mum as well)

How fantastic my little girl is…

Just a shitty day

Ok. Is there anyone out there who reads this blog? If yes: have you ever felt that everyone literally everyone around you have a better life than you?? Am I really the only one like that?

Maybe I should not take my child to a playground where mums are generally living in a nicer and bigger flat/house and their husband earns more than mine or taller than mine…And maybe I should delete my Instagram account as well where everybody posts only their better thoughts. I stopped checking Facebook so that is out of league thanks god. Also I have a hubby who cant listen to me whining and just keep telling me to stop undermining myself. Oh and that I should appreciate what I have including him. Ok true. But still everyone else seems to have a better life today…

Maybe it just a phase or maybe it is just the full moon. But I just hate how we (human beings) are not equal. And I am selfish enough to think about myself. I have two degrees and work a lot. I got a lot of positive feedback at work but why others with less degrees and years in the age earn more?

Why do I make wrong decisions in the wrong time? What have achieved in this life that should make me proud? Or at least make me feel less miserable.

And when I say the best thing in my life is my daughter why my husband gets offended that I did not add him as best things in my life.

So I just started thinking if I went back in my life and could restart everything…What time point would that be. Would I go back to that guy whom I was dating a couple of times before I met my hubby. According to Instagram he just moved to the beach… I have this dream that one day I would live by the beach where I just open up my window and I cannot see anything else but the big blue sea. And here you go this guy just posted my dream in a video of his new home view on Instagram. I always thought I would move by the sea when I get old. Am I old now? Is this time to move?

Or would I go back in time further to the point when everything was new and prosperous with the Swedish guy and try to make a happy ending of that story?

Or would I go back to my the time when I started dating with my ex-husband. Tell that silly young girl to stop dating with that guy: you just gonna spend your nicest year locked in a relationship for no reason.

Or maybe to the time when I accepted what my mum said that I must have studied physiotherapy instead of becoming a medical doctor or internal designer as I was dreaming?

Probably that would be the wisest…But would I be happier? Would it make me love myself better. And what is worse: would I have my little girl who is really the best thing in my life?

I know its such cliche and just a usual thing to say as a mother but the love I feel for my daughter is incredible. I have never thought I could love someone so much like her. Whatever she does. Really. I do not even mind her crying or arguing with me. I love her every minute of the day and night.

But what should I do to love myself a little bit more and would not feel that I am just a fucking failure?

Hello…help…

Life during pandemic

It is pretty amazing how adaptive we are. It has been nearly a year that we live with COVID-19. We just got used to wear our masks when travelling or going to a shop. We just used to not hugging our friends but keep sanitising our hands and not doing anything. Absolutely nothing.

We just arrived back from Budapest to London and we need to self-isolate for 10 days plus spent a fortune on the mandatory tests. I still do not really understand why do I have to sit at home if I get tested 3 times. 1. three days prior to journey, 2. 2 days post journey 3. 7/8 days post journey. And I can also purchase another test to get tested 5 days post journey and get myself released from self isolation. Well after sending £540 on the mandatory tests I do not wish to spend more just to get released 2 days earlier.

And guess what: someone got tested positive who was on the same flight with us. So public health contacted us that we really have to stay at home till the end of the self-isolation time and cannot even do the test to release scheme. Not liked i planned…

Anyway I am actually pretty relaxed about spending a bit of time at home. We are always running somewhere even during lockdown. So we had a good cleaning session on Saturday, I sorted my tea cupboard on Sunday and made Joy’s curtain sun proof hoping that she would sleep a little longer in the dark room (well … it did not work. She still wakes up at 7:00 which is not that bad but wintertime she sometimes sleeps till 8:00…). We have plans to do a proper deep clean and sorting in the kitchen and in Joy’s room this weekend. So it is all good. And tbh it is nice to spend so much time with my little girl. She is adorable. After spending 6 weeks in Budapest she is now talking really nicely in Hungarian to me. And she can say “szeretlek” (I love you) which is the best thing to hear ever. 😀

So yes I do not mind being in quarantine since nothing really is going on anyway. No shops, no museums, no theatres, no venues, no restaurants, nothing. Not even the grass is growing. The weather is pretty bad too. So who cares? (Well I am saying this till the sun does come out.)

Anyway what I wanted to say is that is very interesting to see how we just get used to this life: not going anywhere, not doing anything, not meeting friends, if travelled then lock into our own house. Tests and masks and hand sanitisiser. Brand new world order.

I am wondering how long…UK is pretty good at vaccinating but will the vaccine help us getting back to normal? When we just hopped on a flight and went from one country to the other eg. visited my mum or just to get away from UK? Or life will never be the same as we knew it before the great pandemic???

Temporary disability

I broke my kneecap 6 weeks ago. The doctor allowed to remove the brace last week and I could start moving my leg. But after 5 weeks of immobilisation the range of movements became very limited and all my muscles disappeared.

I was enthusiastic that i could walk again but just walking to the shop gave me so much pain that I realised it would be a long time till I would be able to walk long distances again.

So we flew to Budapest where my family could support us. We plan to stay here while my little girl’s school is closed due to covid and we need to juggle work and homeschooling.

We are in quarantine at the moment to make sure we didn’t bring any covid from the UK.

And after a week of not going anywhere I’m very much looking forward to get out of the quarantine. I’m seeing all the happy pictures on Instagram of people playing in the snow. I realised even if my quarantine ends I won’t be able to go out and just play in the snow. As soon as I start walking my knee swells double of its normal size and it’s just painful.

I know I’ll be better and I’ll recover but feeling the constant limitations in life just sucks. Really bored of it and just want to cry.

Everything just feels like it was an impossible mission.